


Coming Clean

by RenSolo (EmperorRen)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Compliant Sort Of, Don’t let the first chapter throw you off, Even if no one reads it it will be here forever, Meta, Multi, Weird, bear with me please, darker subjects to come, reylo?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 15:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15910626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmperorRen/pseuds/RenSolo
Summary: This is an odd place to publish this, but it’s close to the compassionate heart of fandom, so... why not give it a shot? This is the story, in multiple formats — sometimes meta-fiction, sometimes canon-compliant settings(after a fashion), of Kylo Ren’s self-discovery.“It’s about hate, and fear, and shame, and rage, and love, and trust, and family, and resentment, and forgiveness; it’s about learning what your “self” really is when you realize that you’ve never truly been your own person. It’s about learning what to let go of and what to fight for. When to reach out. It’s about abuse and manipulation and how hard we deny that these things have changed us. It’s about being taught that that shame is not all yours, but that you are the master of your own destiny and must own your mistakes. It’s about three steps forward and two steps back. And, ultimately — I can’t say for sure yet, because the terrifying journey is still ongoing — I think it is about redemption.And love, love, love. It’s a story of love— whatever form that may take.”





	Coming Clean

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter One.
> 
> I HAD to.

So. Look where we are!

Does this actually qualify as a fanfiction? I’m sure some people would support that interpretation enthusiastically, even if I didn’t think so; but if it is, it’s at least the most meta thing I’ve ever put into words in almost thirty years of writing. I’m equally sure that if it ever sees completion, it’ll be the hardest thing to categorize that I’ve ever seen. Self-insert? AU? Canon-compliant-with-weird-interludes? I suppose we’ll see. But if you’re reading this, you’re not here for the babble, you’re here for the content. So let me begin.

Unfortunately, a little backstory is necessary: don’t worry, I’ll try and keep it as short as I can. To sum it all up: my wife and I are what is currently referred to on the Internet in 2018(often disparagingly, usually insultingly, and always mockingly) as “fictionkin”. Ten or twelve years ago it used to be called “soulbonding”, but as people used that term for various things — muses for their art or writing, characters they just strongly identified with, etc. — we never much liked that one, either. My wife always called it “quantum reincarnation”, but nowadays we tend to refer to it only as “our weird metaphysics” and leave it at that.

So what does that mean, really? I could write all day about it. What it comes down to in the end is that we live multiple lives inside/beside our “normal” ones: we share bodies/headspace with other — not “alters”, not “fragments”, but fully formed and independent — people with their own lives/memories/histories/emotions and everything else. Some people have compared it to Dissociative Identity Disorder, where a single body can contain many, many separate and unique personalities; but there are some important distinctions that have to be made between what we live with, and the DID experience.

1\. What we have, at least according to professionals so far, is not a disorder. I’ve personally now seen three professional psychiatrists — one because I had to be SURE, and the other two because of unrelated anxiety and depression issues — and told all of them the truth. They classify it more akin to a “spiritual belief” — other dimensions, reincarnation, karma — than any disorder. From my admittedly amateur research, I place it in the realm of metaphysics/theoretical physics/quantum theory, but that’s not important right now.  
2\. These people aren’t “broken-off” fragments of us due to trauma, or inventions used to cope with our lives — I’ve lived with this since childhood — or anything like that. They’re real people, whole people, that just happen to use our bodies half the time. It’s neither voluntary nor glamorous, nor anything I ever would have asked for. Take my word for it... or stick around for the wild ride this promises to be and find out for yourself.  
3\. Even if it weren’t a real phenomenon — which I assure you it is — we, like every living person before and all that will come after, are made up of memories, feelings, traits... things that begin in the mind(or the soul) and are almost completely unquantifiable. So even if you’re convinced it’s a lunacy, please remember that this is still our life, this takes a toll on our bodies, this influences where we go and what we do and how we feel and how we struggle. Please don’t be quick to invalidate that because you don’t understand it. Be silent a bit. Be kind. Learn. Or try.  
4\. Oh yeah: these other people, by the by, are “fictional”. Or, at least to most of you, they are.

What is this phenomenon? We don’t know 100%, but we’re following the relevant fields in hopes that science will someday explain it. Does the pure focus of so much belief create reality — energy follows thought — or do the “creators” tap into an alternate universe in which these people exist, and thus they cross over? I don’t know for sure, but that last theory has been the one I’ve leaned toward for about twenty years. It’s not as insane as it sounds: do a little reading on multiverse theory and the nature of consciousness, and you might be surprised.

It’s not my intention in this introduction to convince you, only to lay it out as it is and hope you’ll stick around. This story is predicated on your taking at least the fact that it is a thing to us on faith; so if you can do that much, it should flow very well. I do know that everyone who has been the front for the body has had a powerful, inescapable reason: and that reason has changed the actual, literal course of “my” life.

Because these particular people’s journey... it hurts. It bleeds. And it’s real. It’s thrown everything I thought I knew about “sharing space” with other people out the window, and for weeks now I’ve tossed and turned in an agony of wanting to transcribe it, to share some of it, because the raw emotional work put in has been bloodying in its intensity, and I’ve learned more than I thought was still out there to learn about this. Seriously, it might... maybe it will speak to someone. And it’s not about fixing the world, or having people know me — I’ll probably post this under a double pseudonym — no, this is very personal. And that’s why I think it’s important.

It’s about hate, and fear, and shame, and rage, and love, and trust, and family, and resentment, and forgiveness; it’s about learning what your “self” really is when you realize that you’ve never truly been your own person. It’s about learning what to let go of and what to fight for. When to reach out. It’s about abuse and manipulation and how hard we deny that these things have changed us. It’s about being taught that that shame is not all yours, but that you are the master of your own destiny and must own your mistakes. It’s about three steps forward and two steps back. And, ultimately — I can’t say for sure yet, because the terrifying journey is still ongoing — I think it is about redemption.

And love, love, love. It’s a story of love— whatever form that may take.

A couple more things, though, before I get to the good stuff.

If you want to laugh at me, close out the window, ignore the rest, that’s fine. That is one thousand percent your prerogative. But if you feel the need to comment and tell me I’m “batshit crazy”(that stunningly original and incredibly compassionate term”), maybe save it. Trust me: I’ve heard it all.

From getting doxxed, to getting hate mail, hate comments filled with death threats, being outed as a LGBTQIA+ person against my will — something that could be an actual literal danger to my life — having my picture and driver’s license number published on “fandom wank” sites, getting mocked and harassed on forums, having my art stolen and my fanfics vandalized and my social media stalked and screenshot years after we were trying to live a subdued life once I got sick... I’ve heard all that you can say and more. One wonderful person told me while I was in the ICU to “do the world a favor and have another embolism”.

For existing. For being honest about who we were. Because we’re crazy people, don’t you know, and shouldn’t be allowed to exist. We don’t swing from light poles and pretend to have mystical mind-control powers, we’re not any more special than anyone else, we just... are. We don’t crawl around on the sidewalks and meow or demand that every take on the “canon” our people come from acknowledge our existence. We just want what anyone wants: to live, to do what we have to do, and yeah— maybe make a few people learn something along the way. And have friends from whom we don’t have to hide so much.

So if you feel that way, please feel free to leave now. If you’ve heard this before, or if you’re curious, or if you feel like maybe being that compassionate person who is willing to listen and maybe — just maybe — accept, pull up a chair, get your favorite beverage and settle down.

I’ll tell you the utterly surprising story of Kylo Ren, how he got here, and his awful, terrifying, glorious, humiliating, exultant, tumultuous, real-life journey into existing outside of the Great Galactic Drama™️, and learning how to be a human being. It’ll likely swap between “canon”-compliant stories and flashbacks, and meta-commentary(although not as long-winded as this, I promise).

And maybe, if I die (relatively) young — which as a person with a chronic illness(I used to be a competitive martial artist, can you believe it? I almost can’t, now) is something I admit to fearing a lot — maybe his story, out of all of them, will give someone a little more empathy for both people like him... and people like us.

We’ll see.

 


End file.
